Before you begin reading this wonderful story of awesomeness I want to tell you how it came about. A few weeks ago I published a post…Your Q’s, My A’s…and in response to one of the Q’s, I mentioned that I would love to meet the following authors: Sylvain Reynard, E.L. James, Debra Anastasia, and C.L. Parker.
I get email alerts whenever someone leaves a comment, and I try to look at them as soon as I can. One of the alerts led me to a comment left by Shari…it was actually a little story that involved the aforementioned authors and I, and it was hysterically funny.
Well…that gave me an idea…what if Shari finished the story, and I published it for all of you to enjoy?!? I know, I know…great idea. So I asked her if she would. You cannot imagine how happy I was when she finally said yes, and I was happier still…if that’s even possible… when she sent it to me.
So without further ado…
WITH SINCERE APOLOGIES TO ALL! <-(Shari’s disclaimer…not mine)
Please be advised that this is all a creation of my brain and in no way were any authors or Canadians harmed in the writing of this… thing.
Once Upon a Museum…A Vignette.
**Somewhere in Toronto, Canada**
The phone rang in the quiet and calm of Chez Reynard. A dashing gentleman wearing a smoking jacket, sat down his book and glass of Scotch, and rose from his red velvet wing back chair. A glance at his watch brought a scowl to his face as he made his way to silence the irritating ringing of the phone.
“Whoever could be calling me at this late hour?” he mused. “Hello?”
On the other end of the phone he was met with lots of giggling and hurried shushing.
“Hello?!” This time he was a little more forceful in his greeting, thinking it was his neighbor and his wife playing some prank on him, as the last time said neighbor knocked at the door, he was fresh out of milk.
“Be quiet!” A voice came from the other end of the phone, but accompanied with much giggling and more shushing.
The gentleman may have heard someone fall over, but he couldn’t be entirely sure. His neighbor and his wife must have really tied one on he thought and shook his head. He then made a mental note to ensure that he always had milk in his refrigerator.
“I’m going to hang up now.”
The dashing gentleman sighed deeply.
“SR, it’s Tamie!”
The man’s demeanor changed immediately. “Miss Tamie, good evening. Are you well? Is, um… well, is everything alright?”
Again, the sounds of shushing and giggling filled his phone. He couldn’t be entirely sure, but he was certain he’d heard someone being chided for removing her pants.
“SR, I’m here with Debra Anastasia, EL James and CL Parker… Um and we’re um… kinda in jail…”
SR sighed again. “What happened?” In the background, he heard a lovely British accent slurring something about Debra kissing a bouncer, then giggling.
“Um, well… we kinda drank too much.” Tamie fell into a fit of giggles.
“I gathered that.”
“Can you…” she giggled. “Can you bail us out? I’ll pay you back I *promise*!”
“Where in the world are you? Aren’t you all in different parts of the world?”
“See, we first met at Starbucks here in Toronto and then decided we should go on a Gabriel’s Inferno tour. And…”
“Tamie, however did you manage to get drunk when you met at Starbucks?”
“OH! Well, we did, but CL brought some tequila and we um… augmented our lattes! They were *really* good!”
“Oh my…” He covered his face with his hand.
“So… after we made our plans, we went over to the ROM. You know SR, that building has this really weird thing sticking out of the front of it. Why did they do that? I mean, seriously and–”
“Tamie!” he shouted, and then quickly calmed down, as he was merely trying to get her attention. “I’m sorry, you went to the ROM? How did that get you in jail again? You said something about Debra kissing a bouncer?”
“Ohmygod, that was SO funny! That bouncer? It was a security guard. Debra was trying to recreate the ROM tango scene in GI…”
“Great Dante’s Ghost!”
“SR, you so did not say that did you?” Tamie fell into a new fit of giggles.
“No!” Ahem. “No I didn’t. Let me get my coat and I’ll come downtown.”
He could tell that Tamie dropped the phone because all he heard after confirming that he’d bail them out was the excited cheering of four drunken women… He grabbed his beret and put on his coat and muttered as he left his apartment. “The things I put up with for these women…”
Ever the gentleman, SR made his way to the appropriate police station, completed the necessary paperwork and was told to have a seat and wait.
The chairs to which he was directed seemed to be of dubious origin and gave him pause before he sat, choosing to not think of who may have sat there before him. For a moment, he pondered his current predicament. He didn’t have too long to think before he heard a noise from the hallway. The noise became a giggling ruckus as a small group of people turned the corner and approached him.
It appeared that each of the ladies soon to be in his charge was attached to the arm of a police officer. The officers were attempting to stay stoic as they were on the receiving end of heavy duty flirtations from the women.
“Oh my,” he mumbled and tugged at his collar. “What have I gotten myself into?” Standing, SR pulled on the hem of his jacket in such a way that would make Captain Picard proud.
“SR!” The first woman of the bunch broke from the officer and bounced to the bereted gentleman. “You came! You came!” Tamie grabbed his left arm and hugged it like it was her favorite stuffed bear.
The next two women, Debra and EL, had their arms locked together in drunken sisterhood.
“Mr. Reynard, keep your eyes on those two,” an officer counseled, as he gently moved the pair of women forward. “The Brit here,” he said pointing to EL, “she likes to bite.”
The lovely brunette bit at the air. “They were merely love nibbles, luv.”
“And this one” he pointed to the bubbling Debra. “This one kept grabbing my ass!” The redhead looked at him and licked her lips. SR was certain that she thought she was being sexy, but it looked more like she was searching for an elusive bit of sauce around her mouth.
CL Parker brought up the rear. She was trying to run her fingertips up the officer’s shirt giggling while the poor man tried in vain to keep her hands in check. “Ms. Parker, please behave!” Immediately, she dropped her hands and crossed her arms in a pout worthy of any petulant toddler.
The officers gave SR a sympathetic look and wished him luck.
EL grabbed SR’s other arm and rested her head against his shoulder. “So SR, are we off to your flat?”
“Uh no,” he stuttered. “Madame Reynard is visiting and you all aren’t exactly in the proper shape to greet her. Miss Debra, please remove your hand from my back pocket!”
Hushed sniggers erupted around the group. “How did he know it was you?” He assumed that CL thought she was whispering, but it was more like slurred shouting.
“I have magic hands,” Debra answered with pride, wiggling her fingers.
“No, no, those are jazz hands,” interrupted Tamie showing her rendition of jazz hands.
“SR, have you any Nutella and Oyster Bay? I’m hungry,” complained the Brit.
“I want flapjacks!” CL piped in while clapping her hands.
SR had flashbacks to the movie Groundhog Day. Then he remembered there were no train tracks on the way to the ladies’ hotel.
With some effort, the gentleman herded the women to his car and unlocked it with his remote.
“Why don’t you have an R8?” EL pouted.
“Perfessor Emerson has a Jag. Why you no has Jag SR?” Tamie rested her head on SR’s shoulder again.
“Tamie, why are you talking like LOL Cats?” CL asked as she climbed into the back seat of the car and stretched out.
“Cause tits funny!” Debra explained. “SHOTGUN!”
SR watched the spectacle of the women attempting to get in the car, especially with CL stretched out in the back seat and apparently now snoring.
“I’m driving!” Tamie declared sleepily and grabbed at a non-existent back seat steering wheel. “Oh look!” She pointed out the window to absolutely nothing and then let her head slide down the window.
“No everyone, I will be driving and I’ll be returning you to your hotel room,” SR explained as he locked the car doors and started the car.
The women booed enthusiastically, except for CL who continued snoring.
Tamie’s head popped up. “SRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrr!! We wanna see your house!!”
“I’m sorry ladies, but I already said that Madame is visiting. I simply don’t have the room at the apartment.” Silently, he wasn’t sure there was any possible way he could explain all this nonsense to Madame.
“Ooooooh! Your maman is visiting! Can we meet her puhleeeeezzze!!” EL leaned forward and breathed alcohol-laced breath into the front seat.
“Not tonight. Perhaps another time.” SR answered as he tugged nervously on his collar. He felt like a father with a car full of naughty children. In fact, he was a man with a car filled with naughty drunken women. If he had to choose, he may have gone with the children.
A half hour later, SR managed to get the women up to their hotel room. The ladies of L proceeded to flop down on the beds. CL resumed snoring; EL picked up the remote and aimed it at the ceiling, and wondered out loud why the television wasn’t working. Debra sat on the floor, then lay back and joined CL in snoring. The only one left standing, or rather swaying, was Tamie.
“Tamie, will you be okay?” SR asked genuinely concerned for her and the women.
“Oh suuuuuure. Are you sure you can’t stay? Pluuuueeeeeeeeze????”
“Thank you Tamie, but I really need to get back home. You’ll be alright?”
Tamie nodded and smiled. “We’ll be swell.” She gently patted her rescuer’s cheek. “You go home and write summore, kay?”
“How about I call and check on you all in the morning? Maybe have some muffins and coffee sent up?”
Unfortunately, Tamie hadn’t seemed to hear him as she stumbled over to the mini bar and struggled with trying to get it open. SR quietly backed up to the door and excused himself. With the door safely closed behind him, SR breathed a sigh of relief. He removed his handkerchief and mopped his brow before heading down to his car. It was then that he hoped that he had a post it or a scrap of paper somewhere in his car; he was struck with an idea he needed to write down before it left him.
OMG! That was so funny you almost peed your pants right?!? Me too, me too.
1st let me thank Shari for her incredibly brilliant story. Hugs my friend, massive, hard hugs!
p.s. I’ve already told Shari that if she ever gets another story idea to let me know…keep ur fingers crossed…mine are!